Tired

I am grateful for my Mom. Tonite I had to call her to just talk before I did something stupid to myself. I was starting to go crazy with thoughts of just ending it all. Between talking with my Mom and getting an email from a friend (yes, you Melissa!) I'm doing better. I am still wondering what to do with my life.

I am so tired. Tired of myself, the masks I wear, the spineless person I am, the low self esteem, the extremely jealous wife I usually am. I need help and the counselor I"m seeing doesn't seem to be helping me in the way I need. Again .. spineless person that I am .. can't say .. forget the marriage problems and lets work on ME! I WANT TO BE FIXED! With one mask I have on, I don't feel comfortable trying to tell what I really think/feel to one of my friends. I have so few friends, that I don't want to lose who I have. They are accepting me with my masks on -- even if one close friend is constantly chipping away at it. Sorry, I can't let it all go.

I am tired of the lies. The lies to me, the lies I tell, the lie I'm living at the moment. How do I know what to believe anymore????? What you tell me or what you write? One minute this happened, the next it didn't. No wonder I don't know up from down anymore. I feel like I'm just drifting along right now ... waiting for the ax to fall ... or somebody to pick me up, hold me and tell me it will all work out.

I am tired of not being strong enough to look inward and see what I FEEL. I've blocked my feelings for so long. I don't know how to be happy. What is happy? Why won't the person that is suppose to be the closest to me understand that I need help to overcome things that happened earlier in my life that may be the key to why I am the way I am. Like my counselor said, I try to be the quiet person, don't get noticed, maybe people will let me stay around them if I don't make any waves.

I'm tired of being locked inside of myself. I'm screaming to get out. I want to be HAPPY, I want a good life. I think I don't deserve to be happy. Why is that, you ask? I don't know ... I have refused to think about it and really decide why I believe that. I don't want to be the jealous b.... that my husband is tired of. I'm tired of that jealous person also. I hate her. I hate the destructive me. I'm tired of hurting the people that I love. I am sorry for all my family and friends that I've hurt with my words/actions. I don't mean it. I can't seem to help, but I want to stop and change. I need you to help me. Please?

I tired of not remembering everything. I know I block out alot of things. I've also heard or read that part of not remembering things is about having no emotions. I can believe that. I"m tired of someone not remembering the whole story...just the part they want to so they can justify what they are doing.

I am just so tired of everything tonite. I'm too chicken to end my life, but I certainly think about it. It would solve one or two of Ric's problems -- does he care? I think we are working towards a common goal -- I hope it is the same thing. I hope it is not all lies and another smokescreen.

Well...thanks for listening to my doom and gloom. Sorry if I hurt anybody with this, sorry if you don't want to be my friend anymore, I hope somebody understands this was a long time in coming. I still don't know what I really feel or want in everything. I still think I love you Ric, even with all that was done that hurt me.