Saturday, July 08, 2006

Tired

I am grateful for my Mom. Tonite I had to call her to just talk before I did something stupid to myself. I was starting to go crazy with thoughts of just ending it all. Between talking with my Mom and getting an email from a friend (yes, you Melissa!) I'm doing better. I am still wondering what to do with my life.

I am so tired. Tired of myself, the masks I wear, the spineless person I am, the low self esteem, the extremely jealous wife I usually am. I need help and the counselor I"m seeing doesn't seem to be helping me in the way I need. Again .. spineless person that I am .. can't say .. forget the marriage problems and lets work on ME! I WANT TO BE FIXED! With one mask I have on, I don't feel comfortable trying to tell what I really think/feel to one of my friends. I have so few friends, that I don't want to lose who I have. They are accepting me with my masks on -- even if one close friend is constantly chipping away at it. Sorry, I can't let it all go.

I am tired of the lies. The lies to me, the lies I tell, the lie I'm living at the moment. How do I know what to believe anymore????? What you tell me or what you write? One minute this happened, the next it didn't. No wonder I don't know up from down anymore. I feel like I'm just drifting along right now ... waiting for the ax to fall ... or somebody to pick me up, hold me and tell me it will all work out.

I am tired of not being strong enough to look inward and see what I FEEL. I've blocked my feelings for so long. I don't know how to be happy. What is happy? Why won't the person that is suppose to be the closest to me understand that I need help to overcome things that happened earlier in my life that may be the key to why I am the way I am. Like my counselor said, I try to be the quiet person, don't get noticed, maybe people will let me stay around them if I don't make any waves.

I'm tired of being locked inside of myself. I'm screaming to get out. I want to be HAPPY, I want a good life. I think I don't deserve to be happy. Why is that, you ask? I don't know ... I have refused to think about it and really decide why I believe that. I don't want to be the jealous b.... that my husband is tired of. I'm tired of that jealous person also. I hate her. I hate the destructive me. I'm tired of hurting the people that I love. I am sorry for all my family and friends that I've hurt with my words/actions. I don't mean it. I can't seem to help, but I want to stop and change. I need you to help me. Please?

I tired of not remembering everything. I know I block out alot of things. I've also heard or read that part of not remembering things is about having no emotions. I can believe that. I"m tired of someone not remembering the whole story...just the part they want to so they can justify what they are doing.

I am just so tired of everything tonite. I'm too chicken to end my life, but I certainly think about it. It would solve one or two of Ric's problems -- does he care? I think we are working towards a common goal -- I hope it is the same thing. I hope it is not all lies and another smokescreen.

Well...thanks for listening to my doom and gloom. Sorry if I hurt anybody with this, sorry if you don't want to be my friend anymore, I hope somebody understands this was a long time in coming. I still don't know what I really feel or want in everything. I still think I love you Ric, even with all that was done that hurt me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Deb, I'm responding to you on your blog as a last resort, rather than emailing you directly on your personal email or talking to you.
I'm going to try to get my comments in order before calling you and making your life more difficult than it is right now and try not to bash Ric too bad.

Bottom line - U need to start thinking about what "DEBBIE" needs, not what Ric needs - He seems to take what he needs from whereever he gets it - whether it be to "anyones" advantage or not - His decisions are based on "RIC" not on "your statis as a couple/family" -
He doesn't hesitate to insult, degrade, desert, etc the one person that is suppose to be his first person of concern.
He states "the parasites" are dragging him down - What kind of realationships does he have that allows him to degrade people like this. I'd like to slap him up - I have threatened him with this comment also - in fun - but it is not in fun - I am dead serious!
I can't believe some on the comments on his blogging about people he "so calls" loves - He sounds really angry and apparantly takes it out on the person who is suppose to be the closest to him.

He takes on responsibilities to others rather than his wife - He "takes care of others" and not his wife - Does he ever, one time, take into account what he is doing to you and the responsibility that he has put on your shoulders?
He's "afraid of the house that he insisted on building out in the middle of no where!!!" It's going to "get him" if he moves back in - He uses the excuse that he has to get his niece and nephew up and on their feet before he can concentrate on his own personal family -
But - he feels drained and used by having to make the house payments -even tho he isn't living there, to try to salvage it long enough to sell it and try to get back some on the monies thrown down the drain.
I know I am rambling - BUT - Debbie, I think you need to take a real look at what he is doing to your self esteem, why do you have to have the masks on, why are you willing to leave everything you have and go with him for his dream or 4 the life he is running to - or is it running away from his current life? He's cutting his ties with the church and then you and now it is work.
He says he wants you to be with him in this new life - B U T - Do you want this new life that he is planning?
You do know that if you want to get away from all that is going on, you always have a home here (with some of your furniture :)

You are an important person and need to be appreciated for what you are, not just for what you can do for others -
I'll give you a call tonight to see how the reunion went - I know another "appearance that had to be made while hiding all inside.
Smile and make friendly with all the other parasites."
Something definetly sounds wrong with this picture -
Sorry for the rambling - but I am letting his comments on that blog get to me -
LOVE, Mom

Your Most Specialist-Favoritist Cousin said...

Yeah Deb. What she said - :) You know we are all here for you and will support you however we can. It cannot be good for yourself staying in a house in the middle of nowhere, miles from anyone. Please consider taking care of YOU and doing what makes YOU happy, even though you are not sure what that is right now. Why not take some time to figure it out before you make any hasty decisions? You know you are welcome at your mom's place and you can always come down here to stay and then, if you still choose to follow your heart and make the choice to move, then so be it. But, until you take a step away from the house and away from the powers that have you tied there, I don't think you know what YOU really want - not what others want of YOU, but what YOU want ....... Take time and think. We love you and wish only for your happiness.

Cousin again .......... said...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
– Mohandas Gandhi

Anonymous said...

Debbie, Debbie,Debbie,

What can I say that hasn't already been said which by the way I completely agree with. You are a special person and you have to think of yourself first. It doesn't seem that your other half is! What will make YOU happy? Right now that should be your main concern, not worrying about someone else! If there's anything at all I can do, please do not hesitate to let me know. I'm at a complete loss for words right now but will continue to keep you in my prayers! Wishing you happiness always and forever!

Love always,
Your Godmother and Aunt