As of about two minutes ago, we have no telephone service. The trick was to not say anything when the automated attendant asked to briefly describe what you want. Then it gives you some example statements. The problem was that I was saying "Cancel Service" instead of "Change Service." So instead of telling me it didn't understand what I wanted, it just put me on hold until I gave up and disconnected. I'm not sure it is possible to be any more stupid than that.

"Sir, why do wish to cancel your phone service?"

"BECAUSE YOU ARE BUNCH OF $*^(%* MORONS WHO ARE BAFFLED BY THE OPERATION OF A LIGHT SWITCH!!!!"

Which. of course, I didn't say because I was raised better than that. In any case, I will be shopping for cell phones tomorrow.

Bye bye Verizon! May you rot in hell.